When Nam-Chin and I were in our early stages of dating, I made it a point to show him how understanding, supportive, and patient I could be. With 10 years separating us by age, I didn't want him feeling uncomfortable when introducing me to his friends. It hadn't struck me then, but now when I look back, I remember how every time his friends asked my age, Nam-Chin would always say, "Twenty-something, but he's very mature for his age." Hearing that made me feel proud then, because it made me feel like I had the right to be with him.
Obviously now that's all silly and ridiculous, especially knowing how age doesn't define dating experiences. Nam-Chin, who has had multiple boyfriends in the past ten years, still can be quite clueless when it comes to understanding the unwritten rules of being in a relationship. For instance, were he and I to have dinner plans but I needed to cancel, I would call him as soon as possible and let him know and then reschedule it. I do it out of respect for his schedule, and to show him that I'm not a douchebag.
However, there have been periodic occasions in which he'd wait until the last minute to inform me that he'd need to cancel, even though he may have already been aware of needing to cancel four or five hours ahead. And when he cancels, he doesn't reschedule it. I tried to be understanding when all of this began happening last year, especially since those cancellations resulted from his friends calling him at the last minute to hang out. I understand that his friends all work crazy, tight schedules, so my hands were kind of tied behind my back whenever incidents of this nature arose. I didn't want to be the boyfriend who said no to his hanging out with his friends, and so I said it was OK for him to cancel on our plans so he could meet with his friends, with the occasional, "Just make sure you have them make plans with you ahead of time next time so we can avoid this."
It wasn't until six or eight months into our relationships that this began eating away at me. I began resenting his friends for these abrupt interruptions, and I began resenting him for never making the attempt to make it up to me for all these last-minute cancellations. Part of me understood it was my doing that encouraged this habit, and part of me was getting tired of sitting alone in my apartment with nothing to do because all my plans for the evening had been eradicated. I was tired of feeling like a loser.
We argued about this issue, and we still do nowadays. I made it clear to him that I didn't like getting canceled on, and I told him how it made me feel as though is priority were out of order. He said he understood me, apologized, and said he'd try harder next time.
I'd heard those lines many times, and even after nine or ten months into the relationship, we were still struggling with the same damn issue of him having poor time management skills.
Last month, after he and I had made plans to have dinner, he called me later in the evening to tell me he had to cancel. I was upset, especially since he'd promised earlier to not cancel. I told him I wasn't upset because he had to cancel (his reason was legit), but that I was upset he'd made the promise, knowing full well he was going to have to cancel later on. He said he'd only made the promise because I was pressuring him. I acknowledged my error, apologized, and told him I needed time to think about how this issue between us keeps arising.
Great Scott this blog is boring to read and write.
It feels like homework. I'll have to try again another day instead.
