How things were a year ago vs now

When Nam-Chin and I were in our early stages of dating, I made it a point to show him how understanding, supportive, and patient I could be. With 10 years separating us by age, I didn't want him feeling uncomfortable when introducing me to his friends. It hadn't struck me then, but now when I look back, I remember how every time his friends asked my age, Nam-Chin would always say, "Twenty-something, but he's very mature for his age." Hearing that made me feel proud then, because it made me feel like I had the right to be with him.

Obviously now that's all silly and ridiculous, especially knowing how age doesn't define dating experiences. Nam-Chin, who has had multiple boyfriends in the past ten years, still can be quite clueless when it comes to understanding the unwritten rules of being in a relationship. For instance, were he and I to have dinner plans but I needed to cancel, I would call him as soon as possible and let him know and then reschedule it. I do it out of respect for his schedule, and to show him that I'm not a douchebag.

However, there have been periodic occasions in which he'd wait until the last minute to inform me that he'd need to cancel, even though he may have already been aware of needing to cancel four or five hours ahead. And when he cancels, he doesn't reschedule it. I tried to be understanding when all of this began happening last year, especially since those cancellations resulted from his friends calling him at the last minute to hang out. I understand that his friends all work crazy, tight schedules, so my hands were kind of tied behind my back whenever incidents of this nature arose. I didn't want to be the boyfriend who said no to his hanging out with his friends, and so I said it was OK for him to cancel on our plans so he could meet with his friends, with the occasional, "Just make sure you have them make plans with you ahead of time next time so we can avoid this."

It wasn't until six or eight months into our relationships that this began eating away at me. I began resenting his friends for these abrupt interruptions, and I began resenting him for never making the attempt to make it up to me for all these last-minute cancellations. Part of me understood it was my doing that encouraged this habit, and part of me was getting tired of sitting alone in my apartment with nothing to do because all my plans for the evening had been eradicated. I was tired of feeling like a loser.

We argued about this issue, and we still do nowadays. I made it clear to him that I didn't like getting canceled on, and I told him how it made me feel as though is priority were out of order. He said he understood me, apologized, and said he'd try harder next time.

I'd heard those lines many times, and even after nine or ten months into the relationship, we were still struggling with the same damn issue of him having poor time management skills.

Last month, after he and I had made plans to have dinner, he called me later in the evening to tell me he had to cancel. I was upset, especially since he'd promised earlier to not cancel. I told him I wasn't upset because he had to cancel (his reason was legit), but that I was upset he'd made the promise, knowing full well he was going to have to cancel later on. He said he'd only made the promise because I was pressuring him. I acknowledged my error, apologized, and told him I needed time to think about how this issue between us keeps arising.

Great Scott this blog is boring to read and write.

It feels like homework. I'll have to try again another day instead.

Courting Nam-chin

Nam-chin and I have been dating for roughly a year now. I say "roughly" because his time line of when we went official is different from my time line of when we went official.

It'd been around this time last year that my friend came to visit me in Korea. It'd also been my second year working in Korea, and up to that point, I hadn't had much success in finding a Korean guy with whom I was interested in coupling up with. Sure there were a few hook-ups, but nothing ever went beyond oral because of the following reason:

The first year was spent getting over the ex (whom I'd broken up with during my first week or so of moving into a brand new country and culture), so that took a while for me to get over, especially since the ex was what others might call my "first true love" (gag, gag).

By the time I met Nam-chin, I was ready for a new relationship, and I was especially ready for lots and lots of sex. Before Nam-chin, I'd only been interested in making out with other Korean guys or feeling them around with my mouth.

One thing you should know about Nam-chin, he's 10 years my age. That made him extra sexy when we first started talking, even though I'd never dated older guys before (but had been casual with a few). I don't consider myself a daddy-chaser, but older men tend to be more mature, and I find maturity to be very sexy. He also doesn't like being referred to as a daddy, and neither do I, but when I'm trying to push his buttons, I'll let a few age gap jokes fly.

The first night that Nam-chin and I met, we had sex (oral). Amazing oral sex. He payed a lot of attention to my body, something which I found to be lacking in the younger Korean guys that I had hooked up with before. And when we kissed, that's also how I knew I was ready for a relationship with him. It was very passionate, and it left me wanting more.

The issue was: Nam-chin had just gotten out of a 10-year relationship and wasn't looking for anything serious. I was, but I agreed to keeping it casual. I figured I would lure him in with my charm, wit, cooking, and looks.

For the whole month of December, we met regularly, and he would spend the night at my place regularly as well.

I wasn't satisfied after all. I wanted exclusivity. I brought it up a few times and he kept saying he wanted to keep things casual. Finally one day I told him if it'd be OK if I met with other men, since we're not official. He hesitated but agreed. It wasn't the answer I was looking for, but I did meet with other men (just dates, nothing sexual besides a sweet kiss with a college student).

A few weeks after asking him that, we were laying in bed and he brought up our relationship status again. He said I could introduce him as my boyfriend, especially since we already act as a couple. But by now I had gotten quite comfortable with keeping it casual and was now hesitant.

Obviously we made it exclusive shortly after that, and it's helped to shape me further as a gay dating man.

Nam-chin and I aren't meant to be

We discussed our futures last weekend. It's been about a year since we started dating.

For awhile now, I've been questioning if this is the kind of relationship I want, and if this is the one relationship I want to commit to. Factors such as not knowing how long I want to stay and live in Korea, being able to put up with his ex who keeps popping back into his life, and being away from my family in America, have started making me think about my future with him.

So over some beer and 부대지개 (a Korean stew of everything thrown in--hot dogs, onions, various other vegetables and meats), I asked what he really thought about our future. He said that as much as he loves me, he feels a little guilty for holding me back from my dreams as a writer. Nam-chin is one of the most supportive guys I've ever come across, even with the language barrier sometimes.

He encourages me to keep with my writing, and he gets turned on when we discuss story concepts and ideas. He keeps telling me that's what sealed the deal for him--the first time we sat down at a soju bar and discussed the stories I'd written for class in college, he said he was drawn by my passion for writing.

I actually hate writing these days. It's become such a chore, and I don't look upon it with favor. Even keeping consistent with this blog makes me groan.

Anyways, he said that he foresees our future as coming to an end when I return to America. A part of me felt a sting with these words, but a part of me also agreed and was relieved we were on the same page.

Ever since having that conversation, I've been feeling a little less "involved" in the relationship. I don't want to say I've lost hope in the relationship, but now I'm a lot less overly worked on certain issues that used to piss me off, which I'll cover later in another blog.

First entry

I'm going to keep my identity anonymous, as I do not want to risk losing my job on account of owning this blog. I'm also not entirely out to my family, though I am among friends and select strangers.

The focus of this blog will be to share my experiences as an Asian American man dating a native Korean man. Most of these accounts will be personal, so do not assume I speak with authority on the matter concerning gay culture within Korea.

Hell, this might not even be that interesting. I figure it's something to occupy my time with while I have it.

I'll refer to myself as "Namja" within these blogs. (Namja is the Korean word for "boy/man.") I'll refer to my Korean boyfriend as "Nam-Chin" (short for "namja chingu"=boyfriend).